guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
