Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
