I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
