Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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