I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
