I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
