The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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