I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
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I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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