READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
ttyl tear gas
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
