This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
