If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize