I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
