he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize