Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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