I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
