Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
