Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
