I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
