I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
