glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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