Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
