who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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