I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
