I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
