mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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