cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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