He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
