I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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