I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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