I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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