just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
