Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
