I could make wine with my vomit
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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