During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
foreskin is a definite game changer
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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