I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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