I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
