I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
