I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
