This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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