Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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