I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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