All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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