google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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