This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
