everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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