if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
