I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
