I'm so fucking centered right now
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
