i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
