Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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