If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
