when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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