When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
