Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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