Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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