I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
