Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
