this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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