What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
