A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
