that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
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I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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