shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
