the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
